Gen Zs are not dating or getting into relationships as frequently as previous generations. Articles on this topic will frame it as a problem. But I disagree. In our society, dating is considered a right of passage—a milestone we participate in to facilitate growth. The accepted logic is that dating teaches us life-lessons and how to be in relationships. But trial and error dating is not so much a lesson, but a waste of time. I’m Gen X, and even in my generation, there was pressure to date. And people like me who didn’t date were odd balls. I’m glad I didn’t give in to the pressure. Aside from early teen crushes, I never really dated even in adulthood. I’ve been married for more than 20 years now. Married without dating you say? Yes. 

3 Reasons Why

The three most common reasons why some Gen Zs forgo dating are: risk aversion, distrust, and insecurity. These reasons are similar to why I didn’t date. And in a society that considers dating a healthy endeavor, the answer to fixing these dating roadblocks is to be brave and put yourself out there. The logic is that dating, will somehow make you a more confident adult. I’m not sure about that. 

I’m of mind that the answer to addressing insecurity is not to date others, but to date yourself. Ask the questions, explore the places, and participate in the activities you would do if you were dating someone. There’s a tendency to confuse self-exploration with sex and meeting other people. That’s a possibility, but not always the case. 

Dating, like any adventure in life, has consequences. And in a dating marketplace where people looking for committed relationships are thrusted with those who want a booty call, you’re bound to come out of the experience jaded. But hardened doesn’t mean you’re more mature or better. It just means you’ve met people that weren’t for you and you have changed, maybe more skeptical, less likely to believe in soul-elevating love. 

I believe that purposeless dating will only reinforce the very things non-daters are experiencing: insecurities and distrust. And let me emphasize that dating is a marketplace. Like it or not, we all come with value. And when someone is insecure, you’re bound to attract certain types of people. 

No Big Deal 

Given their experience with dating, I’m not surprised that it’s become a thing for some Gen Zs to swear off dating. However, I’m not sure how helpful that is. Dating is not the problem. It’s the unclear purpose that is. And dating out of social pressure means people with different agendas are trying to align. That’s where the chaos comes from. 

My hope is that instead of swearing off dating, just don’t actively look for dates, or at least don’t make a big deal out of not dating. I know this is hard because everyone around you will. But find joy in other types of relationships and in building your character and identity. Do things that will increase the value you place in yourself. You have the power to increase your currency. 

Last, remember that there are people out there who didn’t date serially, and found long-lasting love. Celebrity couple, Meghan Mullally and Nick Offerman wrote The Greatest Love Story Ever Told: An Oral History, a book about their love life. Nick recalls that he didn’t date much. For him, finding romance with another person starts with pursuing what you enjoy. Because “when people see you doing something you deeply enjoy, they see you at your most attractive.” 

So enjoy life. Because romance is an indirect pursuit.